1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:06,120 Far away, and I am blue. 2 00:00:06,620 --> 00:00:08,600 What do I do? 3 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,760 Thank you. 4 00:01:14,570 --> 00:01:15,570 Here, Dalton. 5 00:01:15,610 --> 00:01:17,950 I'm going to be out for Christmas, mate. I've got bail. 6 00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:21,350 How do you manage that? My brief said the drugs was just for my own use. 7 00:01:21,590 --> 00:01:22,590 I'm only trafficking. 8 00:01:22,830 --> 00:01:26,150 Abel, you had four kilos of marijuana. I'm heavy smoker, man. 9 00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:28,530 I mean, come on. 10 00:01:28,830 --> 00:01:31,670 I mean, I'm a rock star. We've got to use a bit. It's to do with the image, 11 00:01:31,730 --> 00:01:32,730 isn't it? 12 00:01:32,830 --> 00:01:35,130 My accountant reckons I ought to be able to claim it off tax. 13 00:01:36,350 --> 00:01:37,350 Rod Dunn. 14 00:01:38,510 --> 00:01:39,750 Rod Dunn. Savage. 15 00:01:40,190 --> 00:01:41,109 That's it. 16 00:01:41,110 --> 00:01:42,230 He turned out for me. 17 00:01:42,930 --> 00:01:43,930 Character witness. 18 00:01:44,350 --> 00:01:45,350 Look, Savage. 19 00:01:45,570 --> 00:01:46,830 He's in a detox unit. 20 00:01:47,230 --> 00:01:50,290 He's full of everything. He's like a branch of boots on leg. Well, there you 21 00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:51,330 He's an expert witness. 22 00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:53,570 And me record's done me in good stead. 23 00:01:53,890 --> 00:01:54,869 What you on about? 24 00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:56,590 You've been done for drugs hundreds of times. 25 00:01:56,970 --> 00:01:58,750 Exactly. I'm an established user. 26 00:01:59,430 --> 00:02:00,770 I don't do trafficking. 27 00:02:02,110 --> 00:02:03,110 Here. 28 00:02:03,230 --> 00:02:05,850 Do you want me to send you in a chunk so you can sell it off? 29 00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:08,889 I know you've been good to me, and I'd like to do something. 30 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,570 You sure you're all right, Daryl? 31 00:02:13,910 --> 00:02:14,910 You seem a bit down. 32 00:02:15,050 --> 00:02:16,710 Yeah. I don't think why. 33 00:02:17,690 --> 00:02:19,130 Here I am in this lovely prison. 34 00:02:19,790 --> 00:02:21,610 Nice crowd to talk to in my cell all the time. 35 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,630 Clean underwear once a week. 36 00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:25,370 A shower every Tuesday. 37 00:02:26,430 --> 00:02:27,430 Whether I need it or not. 38 00:02:29,370 --> 00:02:30,370 God. 39 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:34,190 Don't say it's my own fault I'm in here, Tracy. 40 00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:37,030 I wouldn't say I've been like that, Daryl. 41 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:38,590 I know, I know. 42 00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:40,870 I've never said I've been like that. 43 00:02:41,090 --> 00:02:42,090 I know. 44 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,160 I mean, it is your own fault. 45 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,780 I've never done no bank robbing. Chrissie. 46 00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:50,900 Well, it's hard for me and all you know, Daryl. I know. 47 00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:52,540 I know. 48 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,100 But it's Christmas soon. 49 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:57,960 It just makes things worse. Reminds me of everything I'm missing. 50 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,760 Yeah. Still cheer up. 51 00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:02,680 Garfield will be coming along with me next visit. 52 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:04,560 Not exactly coming along, no. 53 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:06,860 Eh? He wrote to me. 54 00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:08,420 He wants to see me on his own. 55 00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:10,380 What for? 56 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:11,880 Well, I don't know. 57 00:03:12,350 --> 00:03:13,750 You know, man -to -man stuff, I suppose. 58 00:03:14,730 --> 00:03:16,090 Well, why can't we all ever talk? 59 00:03:16,650 --> 00:03:18,810 Well, I just want to see his dad. 60 00:03:19,410 --> 00:03:20,950 Alone. For a chat. 61 00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:23,070 He hasn't had a chance for two years. 62 00:03:24,570 --> 00:03:25,570 Yeah, I suppose. 63 00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:28,130 And I'll see you Christmas week. Give you a present then. 64 00:03:28,390 --> 00:03:29,390 No, Tracy, no. 65 00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:31,190 I don't want to see you again. 66 00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:33,130 Well, not till the new year. 67 00:03:34,010 --> 00:03:37,930 Aye? I just want to forget all about Christmas. Get my head down and do my 68 00:03:39,130 --> 00:03:41,710 I'm really sorry, Tracy, for just a few weeks, yeah? 69 00:03:43,540 --> 00:03:45,340 No, he's not here. He's visiting his dad. 70 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,440 No, I don't know what about. He hasn't told me. 71 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,780 I don't know what all the secret is about. 72 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,320 He can't be asking about the birds and the bees. He's 17. 73 00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:56,440 Well, he probably knows the basics. 74 00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:58,600 Maybe he's just a bit hazy on the advanced stuff. 75 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:02,320 You know, like the Essex girl that didn't know the difference between 76 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,320 and patty. 77 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,600 Her windows fell out. 78 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,820 I don't like all these Essex girl jokes. 79 00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:12,180 I'm an Essex girl. 80 00:04:12,839 --> 00:04:13,940 Anyway, who told you that? 81 00:04:14,940 --> 00:04:16,060 Will did, actually. 82 00:04:16,579 --> 00:04:19,640 Oh, don't you start calling him Will. His name's Garth. 83 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,360 He's ashamed of his own name and he's getting all posh on me. 84 00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:24,860 He said quintessential yesterday. 85 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:27,840 Blimey, what's that mean? 86 00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,100 How should I know? 87 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,000 Well, he goes for a posh school chase. I mean, it's what you're paying for, 88 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,079 isn't it? 89 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,080 And he said one. 90 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:37,340 Good at maths, then, is he? 91 00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:41,240 As in, one wouldn't want to go to a red -brick university. 92 00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:43,960 You mean like Prince Charles? 93 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,160 Yes. 94 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,000 Bloody hell. 95 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,720 How's he going to turn out, shall? 96 00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:52,580 One dreads to think so. 97 00:04:56,420 --> 00:04:57,420 Cheers, Daryl. 98 00:04:58,600 --> 00:04:59,600 Here, Daryl. 99 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,240 Why don't you see the missus over Christmas? 100 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:05,920 Well, I'm planning a break out, see, Chris, and I don't want her down for 101 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:06,980 and abetting. Oh, right. 102 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,080 What do you mean, a breakout? 103 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:14,420 What? You mean, a breakout? 104 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,000 You want to come? 105 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:17,120 How are you doing it? 106 00:05:17,340 --> 00:05:19,880 Once before they let a band out of this, Nick, to do a gig. 107 00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:21,800 Two screws and four legs. 108 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,580 Is that why you got the prison band started? 109 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,480 It's nice to see prison hasn't dulled your razor -sharp mind, Chris. 110 00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:30,160 Yeah, but I mean, now Abel Kane's gone, we ain't got no lead vocalist. 111 00:05:30,820 --> 00:05:31,820 Let's ask Malcolm. 112 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,340 Malcolm? Yeah, he does Elvis impressions. 113 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,560 He's quite good. 114 00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:36,660 Malcolm's a screw. 115 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,240 Oh, right. 116 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:44,410 Where are we going? 117 00:05:48,790 --> 00:05:49,950 Cutting an all for Scotland. 118 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,250 Sir Crofter's place. 119 00:05:51,650 --> 00:05:52,650 Clash Nessie. 120 00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:56,110 Clash Nessie? Stroll on, what a name. Yeah, so you'd better do a bit of work 121 00:05:56,110 --> 00:05:57,110 your Scots accent. 122 00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,310 Eh? Well, we don't want to stick out up there, do we? We've got to blend in. 123 00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:02,030 Oh, yeah. Well, I suppose we do. 124 00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:03,250 Yeah. 125 00:06:03,570 --> 00:06:04,570 Oh, hi, Jimmy. 126 00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,050 Oh, like I say, work on it. 127 00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:12,310 Hi. 128 00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:13,970 I'm, uh... Abel Cain. 129 00:06:14,590 --> 00:06:15,289 That's it. 130 00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:16,530 It was on the tip of my tongue. 131 00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:18,870 You're Abel Cain? Yeah. 132 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:23,510 I've just been in prison with, um... Daryl Stubbs? 133 00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:25,830 I've just been in prison with him. 134 00:06:26,270 --> 00:06:27,270 He said to come round. 135 00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:30,690 I would have phoned, only, uh... You forgot the number. 136 00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:32,470 How do you know? 137 00:06:32,770 --> 00:06:33,770 He gave me the address. 138 00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:36,490 He said it was in, um... Chigwell. 139 00:06:36,950 --> 00:06:37,950 Chigwell, I see. 140 00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:40,030 I've been to Chingford, Chiswick, Cheen. 141 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:44,120 Here. All's well that ends well. 142 00:06:44,660 --> 00:06:47,100 Oh my God, do you know who you are? 143 00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:49,120 Not necessarily, Tracey. 144 00:07:14,330 --> 00:07:15,330 What? 145 00:07:16,550 --> 00:07:17,970 You've done this before, haven't you? 146 00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:22,390 As it happens, I once searched for a star once. 147 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:23,790 What? On a telly? 148 00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:26,370 No, at Mooster's Arms. 149 00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:29,150 Snodland. But would I ever tell it to you? 150 00:07:29,570 --> 00:07:30,590 Great venue there. 151 00:07:31,470 --> 00:07:32,470 Mooster's Arms. 152 00:07:32,970 --> 00:07:33,970 Snodland. 153 00:07:36,570 --> 00:07:38,430 See, now and now's I got the villa. 154 00:07:38,810 --> 00:07:40,290 It's owned by eight of me companies. 155 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,220 All registered upstairs from a barber's in Lichtenstein. 156 00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:46,520 I did it that way to keep things simple on the tax side. 157 00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:50,940 Simple? Yeah, cos that way I simply don't pay tax. 158 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,180 I forget which company's got it now. 159 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:57,040 I do forget things. 160 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:58,980 I used to do a lot of drugs, see? 161 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:00,800 Yeah. 162 00:08:04,420 --> 00:08:05,900 I used to like to drink and all. 163 00:08:06,630 --> 00:08:09,530 I remember that time when you was on Wogan and you did a few. 164 00:08:09,730 --> 00:08:10,730 Oh, yeah. 165 00:08:11,170 --> 00:08:12,550 I read about it, yeah. 166 00:08:15,150 --> 00:08:16,430 So, this villa. 167 00:08:16,910 --> 00:08:17,930 Yeah, why don't you? 168 00:08:18,170 --> 00:08:21,250 I want you to. I don't want it empty and I can't go. 169 00:08:21,470 --> 00:08:22,530 But they got me passport. 170 00:08:22,990 --> 00:08:23,990 I'm on bail. 171 00:08:24,610 --> 00:08:25,610 Why don't we what? 172 00:08:25,930 --> 00:08:27,750 Have it for a fortnight over Christmas. 173 00:08:29,370 --> 00:08:30,890 Oh, sorry, did I forget to say? 174 00:08:35,630 --> 00:08:37,049 Thanks very much, Dale. Pleasure, mate. 175 00:08:39,090 --> 00:08:40,090 You got the gig. 176 00:08:40,409 --> 00:08:41,409 Fantastic. 177 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:43,830 What night? What? Disco, is it? 178 00:08:44,169 --> 00:08:45,350 Be a few chicks there, would he? 179 00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:47,290 Hardly. It's lunchtime. 180 00:08:47,850 --> 00:08:49,250 Mereworth Green retirement hour. 181 00:09:33,390 --> 00:09:34,390 Completely that. 182 00:09:35,510 --> 00:09:37,230 I'll just put this here. 183 00:09:37,570 --> 00:09:38,730 Oh, yeah, that's fine. 184 00:09:40,390 --> 00:09:47,310 What? You're... You're... Are you Malcolm Woolwich? 185 00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:50,410 Yeah, that's right. Have we met? 186 00:09:50,610 --> 00:09:53,830 I saw you at Snodland. 187 00:09:54,210 --> 00:09:55,290 The monster. 188 00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:57,150 Oh, yeah. 189 00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,510 You were wonderful. 190 00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:01,330 Yeah. 191 00:10:02,350 --> 00:10:03,510 Oh, how amazing. 192 00:10:04,390 --> 00:10:07,090 I'm sat in a car with Malcolm Rowland. 193 00:10:07,530 --> 00:10:08,530 Yeah. 194 00:10:11,170 --> 00:10:12,690 My name is Bernice. 195 00:10:12,930 --> 00:10:14,510 Oh, Bernice. 196 00:10:18,070 --> 00:10:24,970 I must say, 197 00:10:25,030 --> 00:10:26,030 Will's awfully nice. 198 00:10:26,130 --> 00:10:27,390 He's named Garth. 199 00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:31,410 Marcus is very pleased with him. He's the best work experience trainee he's 200 00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:33,070 had. Work experience? 201 00:10:33,690 --> 00:10:35,770 That's another word for slave labour, isn't it? 202 00:10:36,050 --> 00:10:37,290 No, that's two words, Sharon. 203 00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:41,010 Shut your face, it's three words. 204 00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:43,490 Oh, 205 00:10:45,510 --> 00:10:47,790 this is lovely. Where is it? 206 00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:50,050 Yorker. It's a villa we can have for Christmas. 207 00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:53,430 Oh, how wonderful. We're going to Oslo, if you please, on business. 208 00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:55,910 Oslo? We ain't going nowhere. 209 00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:57,630 We ain't got the money for the fare. 210 00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:00,310 Don't go away. 211 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,100 told Marcus his company can pay for the tickets so we can all go. 212 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,360 To Majorca? 213 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,420 No, Sharon, to Majorca. 214 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,240 Well, what do you think? 215 00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:30,540 Your Marcus will come. No, just me. Marcus has to be in Oslo. 216 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:37,620 Well, you'll be getting free tickets. It's not that bad having me along, is 217 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:39,600 Well, I don't mind. 218 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,860 If the Tory adores, I'll feel sorry for them. 219 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,240 It'll be very nice, Dorian. 220 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,360 Yeah. 221 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,560 Yeah, it'll be really nice, Dorian. 222 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:57,400 Good. Now, Will is going to liaise with Susan Ollerenshaw to make all the travel 223 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,640 arrangements. Who's Susan Ollerenshaw? 224 00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:00,900 Well, what does that matter? 225 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,280 Look, do you want to go or not? Because if you do, we have to make plans. 226 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:10,160 If we get to the airport quick, we'll be in Glasgow before Malcolm's on the 227 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,560 first encore of Blue Suede Shoes. 228 00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:15,440 By the time we're the third item on the news, we'll be tucked up in Clash 229 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,180 Nessie. Safe and sound. 230 00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,300 Quiet as mice. 231 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,680 Aye. Quiet as a moose loose in a hoose. 232 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:28,640 Hello, Will. 233 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,720 His name's Garth. 234 00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:32,020 Hello, Mother. 235 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,120 Mother? 236 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,200 Hello, Aunt Sharon. 237 00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:38,960 What's wrong with Garth, Garth? 238 00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:43,820 There's nothing wrong with it. It's just, well, it's a trace new, you know. 239 00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:45,820 Yes. 240 00:12:47,030 --> 00:12:48,030 Oh, yeah. 241 00:12:48,170 --> 00:12:49,170 Yeah, right. 242 00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:50,930 What's Nouve? 243 00:12:51,230 --> 00:12:52,230 Nouveau riche. 244 00:12:53,470 --> 00:12:54,610 New, rich. 245 00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:59,710 Persons of a lower class who acquire money as opposed to those who inherit. 246 00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:01,850 Oh, you mean like you do? 247 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,870 Well, there are degrees of it. 248 00:13:06,850 --> 00:13:09,750 So, how do you know when a name's Nouve and when it's OK? 249 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,610 There is a test, actually. 250 00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:13,070 Oh, yeah? Yes. 251 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,440 See how you like the sound of a monarch with the name. 252 00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:21,780 What? Like Kevin the Eighth, Wayne the Fifth, Good King Spike, you know. 253 00:13:22,780 --> 00:13:23,780 Garth the First. 254 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:26,560 Dorian the Last. 255 00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:31,440 One doesn't actually have to be one. One? 256 00:13:31,740 --> 00:13:33,620 See, I told you, he says one. 257 00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:35,660 Me own flesh and blood and he says one. 258 00:13:36,260 --> 00:13:38,280 Gordon, Benny, how am I going to live this time? 259 00:13:54,889 --> 00:13:55,889 Oh, yeah. 260 00:13:57,490 --> 00:13:58,890 Who are these ladies? What's going on? 261 00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:00,550 Oh, come on, Mel. 262 00:14:01,030 --> 00:14:02,030 You're a man of the world. 263 00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:06,110 When we was on the outside, we always had a bit of extracurricular now and 264 00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:08,930 Yeah, but what are they doing here now? 265 00:14:10,210 --> 00:14:11,210 Look, Malcolm. 266 00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:13,490 Who's the star of the show? 267 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,620 Yeah, well, when you put it like that, I suppose I am, aren't I? Exactly. 268 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:18,940 It's you. 269 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,860 With Keith, Pete, Warren and Trevor backing. 270 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,940 Me and Daryl, well, we're just... Wait, wait. 271 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:26,960 You don't need us. 272 00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:29,820 In fact, you're better off without us. 273 00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:36,680 Look, you just do the show while me and Daryl... Don't be ridiculous. 274 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,540 Turn my back on you and Daryl when it's from our relationships in a broom 275 00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:43,120 cupboard. Keep really up. There's a padlock. 276 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:44,500 You could kill yourself. 277 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:45,520 No. 278 00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,020 No way, Carol. No way. 279 00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:48,540 Well, well. 280 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:53,740 And I had you down as an A1 man of the world who wouldn't object to a couple of 281 00:14:53,740 --> 00:14:55,540 his mates having a spot of harmless fun. 282 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,180 Yeah, well... Certainly, that's the impression I got from their niece's 283 00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:00,180 the other day. 284 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,920 Seems you're pretty wild yourself. 285 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,480 What? The recording she made. 286 00:15:06,980 --> 00:15:09,480 They're amazing, these recording briefcases, aren't they? 287 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,420 She said, oh, yeah. 288 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,040 I would like to play this. 289 00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:17,780 to his wife, Dorothy, who lives at their home, 47A Howard Terrace, Maidstone, 290 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:23,080 Kent, ME37QY. I'll send her the tape unless I hear from you in the usual way. 291 00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:28,420 Sorry, Mel, but we couldn't let this letter go through the usual channels. 292 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,660 We didn't think the censor ought to see it, really. 293 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:32,320 On balance. 294 00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:34,860 Christmas in Majulka. 295 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:38,540 I tell you, there won't be a jug of sangria left on that island by the time 296 00:15:38,540 --> 00:15:39,540 finished. 297 00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:41,240 I feel so guilty, Cheryl. 298 00:15:41,980 --> 00:15:43,940 It ain't guilt, Trace, it's depression. 299 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,820 Ever since the decorations went up in Oxford Street, you've been stabbing your 300 00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:51,360 face. I tell you, you carry on like that, Margo, and you'll end up borrowing 301 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:52,360 clothes. 302 00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:54,920 You'll feel better in Mallorca. 303 00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,660 Father wouldn't want you to miss out on a good time because of him. 304 00:15:58,600 --> 00:15:59,900 His name's Dad. 305 00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:02,900 Are you mad? 306 00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:05,600 They have been let out to play a concert. 307 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,040 You can't let them in there and bonk themselves silly while we're doing a 308 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,400 I mean, have you taken leave of your senses or what? 309 00:16:12,460 --> 00:16:16,160 Mind you, this way you'd get to play all the lead guitar solos. 310 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:25,460 Ladies and gentlemen, a very warm welcome, please, for Malcolm Walledge 311 00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:27,260 Jailhouse Rockers. 312 00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:29,740 So what is all this about? 313 00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:47,120 We're travelling as Marcus's employees, so he can put the tickets through his 314 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:49,720 company. That's why I had to check this all in. 315 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,160 Oh, I see. 316 00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:55,580 Excuse me. 317 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,900 You wouldn't mind not doing my seatbelt, would you? 318 00:19:03,340 --> 00:19:04,940 Well, isn't this nice? 319 00:19:05,380 --> 00:19:07,240 Oh, sorry. This is the way to travel. 320 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,160 Oi, love. 321 00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:12,420 Funks down another bottle, will ya? I'm a champagne lurk, mate. 322 00:19:13,310 --> 00:19:14,310 Olé! 323 00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:53,659 What's your trace? 324 00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,340 To bring my babies? 325 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,600 Daryl. 326 00:19:57,940 --> 00:19:58,940 What's your Sharon? 327 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:00,800 Put a kettle on. 328 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,900 Chris. All right, though? 329 00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:04,740 No. 330 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,340 Look at me. I've heard of unwanted relatives turning up for Christmas, but 331 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,340 is ridiculous. 332 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,260 I'm going to faint. 333 00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:14,820 Oh, stuff me. That feels good, darling. 334 00:20:15,420 --> 00:20:17,500 Don't even think about it. Oh, come on, go. 335 00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:19,880 Look, you may have got over the wall, but that's the only thing you're getting 336 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:20,940 your leg over this Christmas. 337 00:20:24,530 --> 00:20:25,530 Hello, Dad. 338 00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:27,310 Oh, don't get off me, mate. 339 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,630 You've done absolutely brilliant, my old son. 340 00:20:30,170 --> 00:20:31,970 Done what brilliant? What's going on? 341 00:20:32,650 --> 00:20:34,830 What are you doing here? You're in prison. 342 00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:38,550 And just what is it exactly that good King Willie here has done so bloody 343 00:20:38,550 --> 00:20:41,370 brilliantly? Oh, well, see, we've escaped. 344 00:20:42,690 --> 00:20:44,050 Well, we've noticed that much. 345 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:48,110 Yeah, well, the old bill that we ran chig was, wasn't it? Oh, my God. 346 00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:49,870 Oh, my God! 347 00:20:50,670 --> 00:20:51,670 Oh, great. 348 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,700 Tracy Stubbs and Sharon Theodoropoulos never left England, did they? 349 00:20:58,960 --> 00:20:59,960 What do you mean? 350 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,700 Martin Wozencroft and Susan Ollerenshaw did. 351 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,240 Garth! Dennis Wilkins, actually. 352 00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:08,700 So that's what the man -to -man chat was all about. 353 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,820 No one knows who we're here. No one. 354 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,120 Shut up for me! 355 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,980 You've turned my son into a villain! 356 00:21:14,260 --> 00:21:17,140 No, Tracy, no. He goes to a good school, my Garthy! 357 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,259 Our Garthy? 358 00:21:18,260 --> 00:21:20,080 He says one and quintessential! 359 00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:31,159 Right, right, you know. 360 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,680 This isn't a spot of hotting. 361 00:21:32,940 --> 00:21:34,340 It's not some jolly jeep. 362 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,020 This is deadly serious. 363 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,140 I only did the names on the tickets. 364 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,240 Oh, how can you say that? You obviously masterminded the whole thing. 365 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:48,220 You are a deceitful, duplicitous delinquent with a down -market name. 366 00:21:51,740 --> 00:21:53,220 How can you say that? 367 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,440 It's the truth. 368 00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:57,280 But you planned all that escaping. You never thought about what you were going 369 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,440 to do for the rest of your life. 370 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,360 I just want to be with you, Tracy. 371 00:22:00,980 --> 00:22:01,980 I love you. 372 00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:04,780 Well, I love you, Daryl, but now what are we going to do? 373 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:09,260 Well, I thought me and Chris could nick a couple of guitars, you know, and play 374 00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:12,260 around the bars, and maybe you and Sean could get jobs as waitresses. 375 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,140 At least we'd be together. 376 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,580 Well, what about the house and Garfield School? 377 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,780 Can't we just enjoy our Christmas and worry about all that after, eh? 378 00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:22,860 Just a couple of days, yeah? 379 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,480 Oh, Daryl. Oh, Tracy. 380 00:22:29,740 --> 00:22:30,740 Behave yourself. 381 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,500 One son is coming. 382 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,480 My God, that Dorian's got a mouth on her, hasn't she? 383 00:22:39,460 --> 00:22:42,260 What? She gave me a real ticking off. 384 00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:43,660 Oh. 385 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:44,800 Is that all? 386 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:49,800 Anyway, I think I'll just wander into Magaluf, all right? All right, then. See 387 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:50,559 you later, son. 388 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,320 If you can't be good, be careful. 389 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:53,800 I'll be careful. 390 00:22:54,900 --> 00:22:55,900 Bye. 391 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,570 Well? What happens now? 392 00:23:00,310 --> 00:23:03,830 After two years, sugar, I'll tell you one thing that happens now. 393 00:23:04,470 --> 00:23:06,810 What about the police? I've already seen to them. 394 00:23:07,510 --> 00:23:08,510 Now I'm sure to. 395 00:23:22,540 --> 00:23:24,020 Are you sure this is the place? 396 00:23:24,300 --> 00:23:27,880 Yes, sir. The Adolphe Loppet has told everyone that we're going to Krishna 397 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,320 Right. 398 00:23:32,140 --> 00:23:33,140 Oh, 399 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:41,840 been for a walk? 400 00:23:42,100 --> 00:23:45,020 Yeah. But this Greek kept following me. 401 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,360 But I cook. 402 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:50,400 I ain't hungry. 403 00:24:03,470 --> 00:24:04,470 Hello, Will. 404 00:24:04,870 --> 00:24:05,870 I cooked. 405 00:24:06,470 --> 00:24:08,330 Oh, this is Janice. 406 00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:10,110 We had something in Magaloo. 407 00:24:11,190 --> 00:24:12,190 I can imagine. 408 00:24:13,370 --> 00:24:14,370 I'll show you the view. 409 00:24:19,230 --> 00:24:20,970 I should have bought needlepoint. 410 00:24:25,750 --> 00:24:27,650 Oh, train. 411 00:24:29,450 --> 00:24:30,450 Oh, dear. 412 00:24:40,940 --> 00:24:41,940 Oh, Jess. 413 00:24:42,860 --> 00:24:44,020 Shut up. 414 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:49,820 Oh, Sharon. 415 00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:52,120 Oh, Chris. 416 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:53,920 Oh, no! 417 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:59,100 Get your steaming great paws off me, you slimy ratbag. 418 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,700 What did you expect? 419 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,400 Well, you know, that we are married. 420 00:25:08,180 --> 00:25:09,260 Oh, I see. 421 00:25:10,670 --> 00:25:12,910 Pick up our marriage where you left off before you went inside. 422 00:25:13,310 --> 00:25:14,410 Yeah, yeah, that's right. 423 00:25:14,650 --> 00:25:15,950 Oh, that's all right then. 424 00:25:16,290 --> 00:25:18,150 For a moment there, I thought you wanted to sleep with me. 425 00:25:19,950 --> 00:25:23,110 Look, all I want is for things to be like they was in the old days. 426 00:25:23,970 --> 00:25:24,970 Well, that's me bag, Chris. 427 00:25:25,410 --> 00:25:28,370 I'll turn me back, you nick some money at me purse and take a tart out for the 428 00:25:28,370 --> 00:25:30,410 night. Oh, come on, Sharon. 429 00:25:30,690 --> 00:25:32,390 Look, things are different since I've been in prison. 430 00:25:32,650 --> 00:25:33,650 Well, of course they are. 431 00:25:33,730 --> 00:25:37,050 For two years, you ain't had access to bimbos or wheat knicker elastic. 432 00:25:37,790 --> 00:25:39,330 Must have changed your stomach shocking, Chris. 433 00:25:39,570 --> 00:25:40,750 Look, it's not like that. 434 00:25:41,210 --> 00:25:43,790 Sharon, I love you. 435 00:25:46,950 --> 00:25:48,470 Oh, shut up, Chris. 436 00:25:49,050 --> 00:25:51,070 You give me a pain, you really do. 437 00:25:52,090 --> 00:25:55,290 Look, I'll tell you, why don't you ask Garfield away to Megaluf, eh? 438 00:25:55,690 --> 00:25:57,710 Shouldn't take you more than a few minutes to score there. 439 00:25:58,230 --> 00:25:59,230 Happy hunting. 440 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,780 Well, he says they don't normally do Christmas dinner, but he's sure he can 441 00:26:17,780 --> 00:26:18,780 up with something interesting. 442 00:26:19,460 --> 00:26:21,780 All I want is chips. I've plenty of them. 443 00:26:22,580 --> 00:26:23,580 Here, Del. 444 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,100 Do you remember that guy Koga, who were Nick and the Wilson brothers? 445 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,580 Bloody hell, Chris. Talk about talking shop. 446 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,340 Do you think we could have a rest, Hills, from the Nick? 447 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:33,720 No. No. 448 00:26:34,940 --> 00:26:35,940 Do you remember him, Del? 449 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:37,400 I do, Chris, yeah. 450 00:26:37,740 --> 00:26:39,800 I remember him very well, as it happens. He's a super. 451 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:41,360 Scotland Yard, I think. 452 00:26:41,740 --> 00:26:42,679 Where about him? 453 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:43,680 He's inside. 454 00:26:44,379 --> 00:26:45,420 What, he's bent? 455 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,020 No, he's inside. 456 00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:51,820 Well, 457 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,040 what's he doing here in Majorca? 458 00:26:54,380 --> 00:26:55,480 Well, maybe he's on holiday. 459 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:56,800 Maybe he's on to us. 460 00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:58,720 Well, what do we do? 461 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:00,400 Okay, now look. 462 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,640 Just all leave, quietly. 463 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:04,480 Launching at night. Don't draw attention. 464 00:27:05,220 --> 00:27:06,600 Get back to the villa as quick as possible. 465 00:27:07,140 --> 00:27:08,140 Right. 466 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:12,840 Quietly. Don't draw attention. 467 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,300 You have not paid your bill. 468 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:34,440 You didn't like the food? Oh, it's delicious. I just couldn't finish, 469 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,580 eyes are bigger than my belly, mate. 470 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,060 Pull up for me. How are your eyes bigger than your belly? I don't understand. 471 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:41,940 You're still in? Here, look, Matty, just take the fish. 472 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,860 Cover of damage. 473 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:50,480 Lovely food. 474 00:27:50,620 --> 00:27:52,480 Nice ambiance. Wonderful service. 475 00:28:02,930 --> 00:28:06,430 Fancy Kogar being a Mallorca. If you say that one more time, Chris, I'll brain 476 00:28:06,430 --> 00:28:07,490 you, so help me, I will. 477 00:28:07,730 --> 00:28:09,570 Yeah, but I mean, what's he doing here? How should I know? 478 00:28:09,810 --> 00:28:10,810 I mean, no one knows, will you? 479 00:28:10,950 --> 00:28:11,950 Thanks to Garfield. 480 00:28:12,110 --> 00:28:14,230 Thanks to you making a criminal with your own son. 481 00:28:14,530 --> 00:28:17,030 Listen, listen, it's probably got nothing at all to do with us. 482 00:28:17,910 --> 00:28:22,270 So, just to be on the safe side, we won't go out for a bit. We'll just lie 483 00:28:22,270 --> 00:28:23,269 in the villa, eh? 484 00:28:23,270 --> 00:28:26,390 Well, this is going to be a jolly Christmas, all of us banged up for the 485 00:28:26,390 --> 00:28:28,830 duration. Don't say banged up, Dor. 486 00:28:29,639 --> 00:28:31,980 I'm sorry. One picks these phrases up, you know. 487 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:35,000 Who's there? Oh, no one knows Maria. 488 00:28:36,260 --> 00:28:37,260 Can't you go, Dore? 489 00:28:37,940 --> 00:28:40,920 What? Oh, go on, Dore. You're not involved. No one's after you. 490 00:28:41,580 --> 00:28:44,780 No, but I will be when they find out I've been harbouring convicted 491 00:28:44,900 --> 00:28:46,180 Oh, this is intolerable. 492 00:28:46,580 --> 00:28:48,500 I just wanted a bit of sun for Christmas. 493 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:50,580 Oh, please, Dore. 494 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,360 I am never going to forgive anyone for this, ever. 495 00:29:03,969 --> 00:29:04,969 Buenos dias. 496 00:29:05,170 --> 00:29:07,810 I never buy at the door. Thank you. Si, senora. 497 00:29:08,290 --> 00:29:09,330 Or give to charity. 498 00:29:09,910 --> 00:29:11,590 Si, senora. Me llamo Pedro. 499 00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:14,750 This isn't to do with the good news in the Bible, is it? 500 00:29:16,250 --> 00:29:20,210 Senora? Would you excuse me for just a moment, please? 501 00:29:25,770 --> 00:29:26,970 There's a man at the door. 502 00:29:28,390 --> 00:29:29,530 Oh, would you like us to go? 503 00:29:31,820 --> 00:29:33,860 Does anyone speak any Spanish? 504 00:29:37,100 --> 00:29:44,080 Oh, how 505 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:45,720 nice. A little mime for the panel. 506 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:56,300 He's a cleaner. 507 00:30:07,629 --> 00:30:09,990 Let's shoot him to the guard till he shakes and backs off. 508 00:30:16,490 --> 00:30:19,670 I'll guide you, Tim, like you did yesterday, and you said then you'd be 509 00:30:19,670 --> 00:30:20,670 eternally grateful. 510 00:30:20,730 --> 00:30:23,850 Well, I know, but I can't be eternally grateful forever, can I, Mum? 511 00:30:25,190 --> 00:30:26,190 Here you are, then. 512 00:30:26,570 --> 00:30:27,570 Where are you going, anyway? 513 00:30:27,810 --> 00:30:30,150 Disco. The yuletide bop till you drop. 514 00:30:30,390 --> 00:30:32,550 All night dancing to Three Wise Men. 515 00:30:33,050 --> 00:30:35,270 We get free gifts and all. Oh, yeah. 516 00:30:35,490 --> 00:30:37,570 Gold, frankincense and myrrh, I expect. 517 00:30:37,970 --> 00:30:39,830 Aren't they the solicitors by Chigwell Station? 518 00:30:41,410 --> 00:30:42,770 See you later. See you. Bye. 519 00:30:43,190 --> 00:30:49,070 Do you reckon they'll go all the way? 520 00:30:49,850 --> 00:30:50,850 What, to Magaluf? 521 00:30:51,170 --> 00:30:52,290 You know what I mean. 522 00:30:53,030 --> 00:30:54,190 He's only a kid, shall. 523 00:30:55,050 --> 00:30:56,790 He's 17, Trace. 524 00:30:57,470 --> 00:30:58,690 He's told her he's 18. 525 00:30:59,950 --> 00:31:03,610 Look, there's no way you can stop kids revising because they're biology 526 00:31:03,610 --> 00:31:05,070 practical. Yes. 527 00:31:05,390 --> 00:31:07,210 I was pregnant with him when I was his age. 528 00:31:08,470 --> 00:31:11,410 No, I wasn't. I dad him. I was walking around with him stuck to me boobs. 529 00:31:12,690 --> 00:31:14,050 Now he's stuck to Janice's. 530 00:31:18,730 --> 00:31:21,610 So the boys just going to stay in the whole holiday? 531 00:31:21,890 --> 00:31:23,250 Well, they're frightened to go out now. 532 00:31:23,970 --> 00:31:25,550 I wish I could stay in with Daryl. 533 00:31:26,210 --> 00:31:27,970 Why don't you? Because they'd be upset. 534 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,760 He wants me to see my yulka and enjoy myself. 535 00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:33,440 She's still sulking? 536 00:31:33,700 --> 00:31:37,240 Yeah, but she wants to sulk while she's out and about enjoying herself. 537 00:31:37,620 --> 00:31:39,760 She doesn't want to stay indoors and sulk for the boys. 538 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,840 Please, you must take this trip. 539 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:45,500 It's the best on the island. 540 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:47,740 El Capitano will give you a very good price. 541 00:31:48,140 --> 00:31:49,640 He's a friend of mine. 542 00:32:07,519 --> 00:32:09,640 The driver of this thing is wet -eyed. 543 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:12,500 Can you be down for that? 544 00:32:12,940 --> 00:32:14,280 Drunk and charged with glass bottles. 545 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:18,120 I don't know, Sharon. 546 00:32:18,420 --> 00:32:19,420 Are you sure he's drunk? 547 00:32:20,660 --> 00:32:21,840 Just give me quiet, Sharon. 548 00:32:22,420 --> 00:32:24,280 I'm feeling just a little unwell right now. 549 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,620 You're not seasick. Of course I'm not seasick. 550 00:32:29,820 --> 00:32:31,240 Just feeling a little off colour, all right? 551 00:32:35,700 --> 00:32:36,700 Funny. 552 00:32:37,380 --> 00:32:38,920 No, no, no. Of course it's funny. 553 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:42,560 Shut up. 554 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:53,040 What's the matter? 555 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:56,180 Dorian's feeling a bit upset. 556 00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:58,640 You're not seasick. 557 00:32:58,940 --> 00:33:00,700 Would you please keep your voice down? 558 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,320 No, no, Trish. She's not seasick. 559 00:33:03,660 --> 00:33:04,760 She's just a bit... 560 00:33:06,530 --> 00:33:07,650 Why, we happen to be at sea. 561 00:33:08,070 --> 00:33:09,070 Sort of thing. 562 00:33:09,870 --> 00:33:11,570 Oh, I am sorry, Dore. 563 00:33:12,010 --> 00:33:13,530 Never mind, we'll be getting off in a minute. 564 00:33:13,850 --> 00:33:14,850 Yes. 565 00:33:15,130 --> 00:33:16,690 Could you please change the subject? 566 00:33:20,770 --> 00:33:22,270 That looked lovely in our old shell. 567 00:33:22,690 --> 00:33:23,589 Is that right? 568 00:33:23,590 --> 00:33:25,650 That lovely greeny colour Dorian's gone. 569 00:33:37,129 --> 00:33:38,129 Yes, 570 00:33:39,790 --> 00:33:40,790 you will. 571 00:33:47,390 --> 00:33:49,310 Well, how long are we going to be here for, then? 572 00:33:49,750 --> 00:33:50,750 Two hours. 573 00:33:51,250 --> 00:33:52,390 Two hours? 574 00:33:53,010 --> 00:33:54,090 For 20 minutes. 575 00:33:54,690 --> 00:33:55,790 But it's too sonic. 576 00:33:57,510 --> 00:33:59,050 Unless he was telling me to go away. 577 00:34:09,250 --> 00:34:10,250 Harold? 578 00:34:15,530 --> 00:34:16,530 Someone's coming. 579 00:34:18,090 --> 00:34:19,130 Don't shake him back. 580 00:34:20,389 --> 00:34:21,389 He's coming in. 581 00:34:21,570 --> 00:34:22,570 Quick, out of the back. 582 00:34:43,799 --> 00:34:46,480 You'd get that many of them boat trips on Christmas Eve, would you? 583 00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:48,080 How do you mean? 584 00:34:48,420 --> 00:34:50,139 Well, a boat like ours has just gone past. 585 00:34:52,699 --> 00:34:53,880 Oh, my God! 586 00:34:55,699 --> 00:34:59,000 Excuse me! What was 587 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:05,240 all that about, then, eh? 588 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:07,840 Just waiting in bedrooms. 589 00:35:08,540 --> 00:35:10,980 Oh, well, maybe you didn't quite finish yesterday, then. 590 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:18,480 Where was it, Si? 591 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:20,960 Got it. 592 00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:27,800 This cove can only be reached by the sea because of the acantilados 593 00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:29,700 impenetrables. 594 00:35:32,900 --> 00:35:34,980 The impenetrable cliffs. 595 00:35:36,140 --> 00:35:37,140 Right, right. 596 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:38,680 Christmas on the rocks. 597 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:43,700 Well, surely the driver will come up and realise we're missing, won't he? 598 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:48,230 Trace? The bloke was so drunk, he probably thinks he's got twice as many 599 00:35:48,230 --> 00:35:49,230 as he started out with. 600 00:35:51,330 --> 00:35:52,730 Getting half getting cold. 601 00:35:53,990 --> 00:35:55,530 Let's huddle together for warmth. 602 00:35:56,250 --> 00:35:58,470 Actually, make it. It's surprisingly cosy. 603 00:35:59,930 --> 00:36:01,510 Do you reckon we could climb over? 604 00:36:02,810 --> 00:36:07,230 Tracy, Chris Bonington couldn't climb over that. And if he could, he'd need 605 00:36:07,230 --> 00:36:08,230 what names. 606 00:36:08,850 --> 00:36:10,030 Tampons and his pythons. 607 00:36:12,850 --> 00:36:14,450 crampons and pitons. 608 00:36:15,790 --> 00:36:16,890 Which we ain't got. 609 00:36:18,130 --> 00:36:19,910 There'll be another boat along in a minute. 610 00:36:25,610 --> 00:36:27,570 What if it's dark? 611 00:36:27,930 --> 00:36:29,710 There can't be sightseeing this time of night. 612 00:36:30,310 --> 00:36:31,350 Let's go and look for them. 613 00:36:31,850 --> 00:36:33,150 No one will see us in the dark. 614 00:36:34,130 --> 00:36:35,130 Yeah, okay. 615 00:36:41,870 --> 00:36:42,970 Maybe we should build a fire. 616 00:36:43,890 --> 00:36:44,788 Oh, right. 617 00:36:44,790 --> 00:36:48,150 And I'll trap a few rabbits and we can cook them for supper. And then we can 618 00:36:48,150 --> 00:36:49,830 sing Ging Gang Goolie round the campfire. 619 00:36:51,210 --> 00:36:53,510 It was a perfectly sensible suggestion. 620 00:37:00,050 --> 00:37:02,090 Oh, thank God someone's coming. 621 00:37:02,730 --> 00:37:04,210 Yeah, but I think it's the police. 622 00:37:05,410 --> 00:37:06,810 Someone's doing Jim Davidson impressions. 623 00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:12,340 Buenas noches, senoras. 624 00:37:12,700 --> 00:37:14,580 Pedro, how did you know he was here? 625 00:37:14,860 --> 00:37:16,920 Well, I see the boat returned without you. 626 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:19,640 So I asked el capitano, but he fast asleep. 627 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:21,380 So I asked the passengers. 628 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,420 He weren't asleep, Pedro. He was wet off. 629 00:37:25,180 --> 00:37:27,400 Huh? You know, drunk. 630 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:32,420 Oh, when someone is drunk, you say he's got bottom like Big Mouth, huh? 631 00:37:34,830 --> 00:37:38,550 Three shades to the wind or pistas and oaks. As much as I would like to spend 632 00:37:38,550 --> 00:37:42,410 Christmas in the open discussing the picturesque aspects of the English 633 00:37:42,410 --> 00:37:44,790 language, could we go now, please? 634 00:37:45,090 --> 00:37:48,370 Sure, I've got my little fishing boat there, but the sea, she's very rough. 635 00:37:48,670 --> 00:37:49,870 You sure you don't mind, huh? 636 00:37:50,170 --> 00:37:51,610 We could sing some sea shanties. 637 00:37:51,930 --> 00:37:54,710 Oh, yeah, like 15 men on Dorian's chest. 638 00:37:55,050 --> 00:37:56,050 Pedro, 639 00:38:00,710 --> 00:38:01,710 you're a hero. 640 00:38:01,970 --> 00:38:03,790 I know. I'm a nice man. 641 00:38:04,170 --> 00:38:06,970 I'm a very nice man. I'm a very, very nice man. 642 00:38:09,150 --> 00:38:13,110 Chase, do you reckon all this faulty tears business is on the level? 643 00:38:13,370 --> 00:38:14,370 Who cares? 644 00:38:24,290 --> 00:38:27,170 Theodore, a nice dry villa at last, eh? 645 00:38:27,570 --> 00:38:28,810 Fancy a nice cup of tea? 646 00:38:29,090 --> 00:38:30,830 Or a nice greasy bacon sandwich? 647 00:38:31,570 --> 00:38:33,790 You sadistic... 648 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:35,040 Fish are fat. 649 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,460 And a very Merry Christmas to you too, Dorian. 650 00:38:39,620 --> 00:38:41,220 Oh, the boys have done the tree night, haven't they? 651 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,040 Never mind the tree. Where are they? 652 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:44,640 Daryl! 653 00:38:44,900 --> 00:38:46,720 Daryl! They're not here. 654 00:38:48,060 --> 00:38:49,580 Don't suppose they've been arrested, shall? 655 00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:51,440 Nah, it's all right, Trace. I've left a note. Look. 656 00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:53,620 Gone to find a couple of birds. 657 00:38:55,220 --> 00:38:58,020 Gone looking for us, you gomp. Yeah, it's the same thing, isn't it? 658 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:00,280 And it's a little drinky. 659 00:39:00,580 --> 00:39:01,680 Yeah, I don't mind if I do. 660 00:39:03,180 --> 00:39:04,540 I thought you said a little drink. 661 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,580 Yeah, we're like these Spanish barmen alike. 662 00:39:07,700 --> 00:39:09,440 It's not as strong as the stuff back home, anyway. 663 00:39:10,700 --> 00:39:11,700 Salud. 664 00:39:57,260 --> 00:39:58,680 Your mum and auntie Sharon went missing. 665 00:39:58,940 --> 00:39:59,940 Then the fuzz arrived. 666 00:40:00,060 --> 00:40:02,280 They've been guarding the place since two o 'clock this morning. 667 00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:03,279 What's happening? 668 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:04,259 I don't know. 669 00:40:04,260 --> 00:40:06,700 I'll go and find out. No, don't, don't, don't. Hey! 670 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:09,540 They ain't here. 671 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:11,280 We ain't seen them. 672 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:12,960 We didn't even know they'd escaped. 673 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:15,400 He won't even let me visit him. 674 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:22,240 I have never seen these two women before in my entire life. 675 00:40:23,670 --> 00:40:27,670 I'm simply a woman of a certain age and unblemished character, travelling 676 00:40:27,670 --> 00:40:29,470 privately and minding my own business. 677 00:40:29,870 --> 00:40:30,910 Shut up, will you? 678 00:40:31,110 --> 00:40:37,390 Listen, officer. We are three English missionaries sent here by our church to 679 00:40:37,390 --> 00:40:40,030 good works among the poor people of Majolka. 680 00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:42,230 Alguin mas in la casa? 681 00:40:42,710 --> 00:40:43,710 No, senor. 682 00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:46,390 Solamente las señorinas? 683 00:40:46,630 --> 00:40:47,630 Claro que si. 684 00:40:50,270 --> 00:40:52,230 Cherche la fame, eh? Oh. 685 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:53,700 You speak English. 686 00:40:54,240 --> 00:40:55,640 That weren't English. 687 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:59,900 No, it was French. But it's been absorbed into the English language like 688 00:40:59,900 --> 00:41:02,720 entrepreneur, order, and soixante -neuf. 689 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:06,740 If I might get a word in edgeways, madam. 690 00:41:07,620 --> 00:41:11,620 Superintendent Cogart, New Scotland Yard. 691 00:41:12,060 --> 00:41:17,240 The investigation of a particularly large international criminal operation 692 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:20,880 that I'm temporarily stationed on this delightful island. 693 00:41:21,420 --> 00:41:25,300 So, you see, a policeman's lot is not always an unhappy one. 694 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:29,260 Especially since we're all on a nice bit of double bubble. 695 00:41:30,020 --> 00:41:32,460 It being Christmas Day. 696 00:41:33,340 --> 00:41:35,700 Look, could you tell us what this is all about, please? 697 00:41:35,940 --> 00:41:40,880 You see, I have absolutely nothing to do with this. Nothing at all. To do with 698 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:41,880 what, madam? 699 00:41:42,060 --> 00:41:43,240 With whatever this is. 700 00:41:44,720 --> 00:41:45,720 All about. 701 00:41:51,510 --> 00:41:53,470 I wish I knew what they were talking about. 702 00:41:53,810 --> 00:41:57,190 The big one's just after the alarm. He's checked inside the system. 703 00:41:57,610 --> 00:41:58,610 He speaks Spanish. 704 00:41:59,030 --> 00:42:00,990 They do have schools in Burnley, you know. 705 00:42:04,670 --> 00:42:05,770 That's my bag. 706 00:42:06,490 --> 00:42:07,490 And that's mine. 707 00:42:11,650 --> 00:42:13,830 Please be careful. Those bags cost a fortune. 708 00:42:32,650 --> 00:42:37,230 You've been trying to do your bit for the single European market, have you? 709 00:42:37,830 --> 00:42:43,010 You're not obliged to say anything. But anything you do say will be taken down 710 00:42:43,010 --> 00:42:44,970 and used in evidence. 711 00:42:46,730 --> 00:42:48,150 Shouldn't think it will be, though. 712 00:42:48,430 --> 00:42:51,530 We've got so much evidence, there'd hardly be room. 713 00:42:56,750 --> 00:42:59,310 Drugs. Evil bloody kind. 714 00:42:59,670 --> 00:43:00,970 My dad's got all his records. 715 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:04,760 Did I not want to ask then? 716 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:06,440 Oh, blimey. 717 00:43:06,780 --> 00:43:07,780 That's a relief. 718 00:43:16,380 --> 00:43:19,180 I have been grilled like a criminal. 719 00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:23,300 At any moment I was expecting the rubber hose pipes in the electrodes. 720 00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:28,180 I've given money to Amnesty International. 721 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,060 I know what goes on. 722 00:43:31,500 --> 00:43:33,000 Well, I hope you didn't tell them anything. 723 00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:35,340 I've told them all I could. 724 00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:40,000 I'd have told them the whole truth, including my age and waist size, if 725 00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:41,000 just let me go. 726 00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:44,720 I just want to get out of here. 727 00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:50,200 I could have been spending Christmas with my darling Marcus in Norway. 728 00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,760 Do they still garotte people in Spain? 729 00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,320 Don't be daft, Dawn. I am not being daft. 730 00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:02,360 This is drugs. 731 00:44:02,940 --> 00:44:04,460 It's very serious. 732 00:44:05,500 --> 00:44:06,660 This isn't England. 733 00:44:08,300 --> 00:44:09,980 They're savage, these foreigners. 734 00:44:11,460 --> 00:44:13,260 I'm sure they still have the death penalty. 735 00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:19,080 And on top of all that, they could find out at any moment that we have been 736 00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:20,080 harbouring criminals. 737 00:44:20,700 --> 00:44:21,700 Oh, yeah. 738 00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:23,820 Very likely they'll go rot us twice. 739 00:44:27,020 --> 00:44:28,020 Signora Stubbs? 740 00:44:29,540 --> 00:44:31,530 Yeah? You have a visitor. 741 00:44:32,090 --> 00:44:33,090 A visitor? 742 00:44:39,470 --> 00:44:40,470 What's your taste? 743 00:44:41,070 --> 00:44:44,070 I'll visit you in prison for a change. See what it's like this side of the 744 00:44:44,070 --> 00:44:45,070 table. 745 00:44:45,430 --> 00:44:46,730 Oh, sorry, I couldn't get you a cigar. 746 00:44:46,970 --> 00:44:48,170 The shops are all shut for Christmas. 747 00:44:49,210 --> 00:44:50,310 Never mind that. 748 00:44:50,570 --> 00:44:51,570 How could you? 749 00:44:51,870 --> 00:44:52,870 How could I what? 750 00:44:53,110 --> 00:44:54,770 Get involved in drugs and everything. 751 00:44:55,230 --> 00:44:58,010 Is that how you were going to keep me and Garfield while you were on the run? 752 00:44:58,150 --> 00:44:59,710 The drugs were all down to Abel Kane. 753 00:45:00,090 --> 00:45:02,070 Him and Pedro have been running our stuff for years. 754 00:45:02,570 --> 00:45:05,830 Pedro? They must have thought they could use you to smuggle some in for them, 755 00:45:05,890 --> 00:45:07,910 seeing as Abel's passport's been confiscated. 756 00:45:08,390 --> 00:45:10,810 You mean Pedro put all that stuff in our bags? 757 00:45:11,090 --> 00:45:12,090 Pete, actually. 758 00:45:12,130 --> 00:45:14,150 Eh? His name's not Pedro. 759 00:45:14,410 --> 00:45:15,410 It's Pete Morgan. 760 00:45:15,770 --> 00:45:18,730 He used to be Abel's roadie. He handles the Mallorcan side. 761 00:45:19,270 --> 00:45:22,730 Oh, that explains it. What, the terrible Spanish accent? 762 00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:24,590 No, why, he was such a lousy cleaner. 763 00:45:24,870 --> 00:45:27,470 He never slept under the beds, he never cleaned the legs properly. 764 00:45:27,710 --> 00:45:30,420 Anyway... The Spanish police have picked up Pedro. 765 00:45:30,820 --> 00:45:31,820 Pete Morgan? 766 00:45:31,860 --> 00:45:35,580 Right. And I've told Kogar everything I know about Abel Kane. 767 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:37,700 Well, you grasped him. Yeah. 768 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:41,220 The rule book says you're allowed to inform on drug runners who set your old 769 00:45:41,220 --> 00:45:42,078 lady up. 770 00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:46,740 So now, Kogar's got a cast -iron case against Abel Kane and two desperate 771 00:45:46,740 --> 00:45:48,900 escaped prisoners to take back the blighty with him. 772 00:45:49,300 --> 00:45:50,560 He must think it's Christmas. 773 00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:52,180 You give yourself up. 774 00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:53,480 Yeah. 775 00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:57,140 Well, you know, I toyed with the idea of letting you take the rap and me 776 00:45:57,140 --> 00:46:01,720 visiting you once a fortnight, but Kogart reckons he can fix it so me and 777 00:46:01,720 --> 00:46:02,720 won't lose no remission. 778 00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:04,560 Oh, Darryl. 779 00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:08,300 Still, we'll always have my Yorker. 780 00:46:08,700 --> 00:46:09,700 Yeah. 781 00:46:10,020 --> 00:46:11,300 I'll see you inside. 782 00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:14,280 I shall be in Scotland. 783 00:46:15,620 --> 00:46:19,120 Oh, don't forget to get those snaps developed before you visit me in 784 00:46:19,300 --> 00:46:20,560 Something to remember my Yorker by. 785 00:46:21,220 --> 00:46:22,220 Yeah. 786 00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:24,820 Of course, that may not be the only thing we have to remember New Yorker by. 787 00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:26,160 Eh? How do you mean? 788 00:46:26,500 --> 00:46:30,160 Well, it could be the tension and the olive oil and getting arrested. 789 00:46:30,540 --> 00:46:31,538 Yeah. 790 00:46:31,540 --> 00:46:32,700 But I think I'm pregnant. 791 00:46:38,820 --> 00:46:39,820 Just off then? 792 00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:41,140 Yeah. Thank you, dear. 793 00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:42,360 Bye, 794 00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:44,118 Mrs Green. 795 00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:45,120 Bye, Gar. 796 00:46:46,660 --> 00:46:49,480 Are you... Sure, you're going to be all right here on your own door. Oh, yes, 797 00:46:49,540 --> 00:46:52,620 thank you, Sharon. I just couldn't face going straight back to Marcus after, 798 00:46:52,820 --> 00:46:54,020 well, everything. 799 00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:55,860 No, I'm sorry. 800 00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:01,540 Look, Dot, I know this holiday's been a total muck -up. No thanks to you. It 801 00:47:01,540 --> 00:47:03,680 wasn't your fault. Have a safe journey. 802 00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:06,340 Come on, Sharon, we ain't got long. You sure you're going to be all right on 803 00:47:06,340 --> 00:47:06,939 your own door? 804 00:47:06,940 --> 00:47:09,740 Yes, I'm fine now. Hurry off. I'm sorry you had such a bad time. 805 00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:11,080 It's all right. 806 00:47:11,860 --> 00:47:12,860 Dorian? 807 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,000 You OK? 808 00:47:15,720 --> 00:47:16,720 Come in, Manuel. 809 00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:41,280 On the 11th day of Christmas my true love says to me 11 ladies dancing, 10 810 00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:45,880 puppets flapping, 9 drummers drumming 8 plates of milk, 7 taunts of swimming, 811 00:47:45,980 --> 00:47:46,980 6... 812 00:47:58,100 --> 00:48:02,640 Next on BBC One, the essential bouquet guide to enjoying an impeccably refined 813 00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:03,640 Christmas. 814 00:48:14,910 --> 00:48:18,350 Mates are milking, salmon swans are swimming, pigs feet are lying, fuck!